Reluctanlty grown up

*I've tried blogging before, but it just sort of fizzled out.  I'm going to try again, since I've had a lot of thoughts in my mind lately just begging to be let out.  I am not a writer, nor do I claim to be.  This is just an avenue for me to get my thoughts on to paper - er - screen.  Sometimes my thoughts are completely random.  Sometimes they're funny.  Sometimes they're profound.  I'm not aiming for any one of these things.  Whatever comes out, comes out.  So....here it is......*

When I was a kid, I wanted so much to be a grownup.  I thought that as soon as I hit that magical age of 18, then -*poof* - a grownup I would become.  That magical age came and went, and well, I can't say that I ever felt grown up.

So then I thought 21 would surely be the age at which I would feel grown.  As many twenty-one year olds do on their birthday, I went out with my friends.  I will say that I felt mighty grown up being able to purchase my own adult beverages.  I can't say that I felt like an adult the next day when I was more hungover than I'd ever been (or would ever be, for that matter) in my life.  So - 21 isn't the magical age of adulthood.

I thought for sure I would feel like a grown up when I got my first "real" job, and bought my first decent car right out of college.  These were definite mile markers to my journey to adulthood, and I did feel very much like an adult having the car payment (and a job to support it).  It was great not having to get up every morning and go to school, only to have to come home and study for hours on end, as I had for nearly  a decade.  I suddenly found myself with real, honest to goodness downtime!  I remember the first time it dawned on me that it didn't matter if it was a school night - I could go out and do what I pleased any time I really wanted to!  While these things were all wonderful, I have to say that even then, I still did not feel like a grown up in the sense of the way I'd always dreamed it.

Maybe I needed to be married.  Yes, of course!  That's what needed to happen for me to feel grown up.  I met my husband as a freshman in college, when we were both still very much just kids.  We'd been engaged since our senior year in college, and finally, the day came when we tied the knot!  Making the transition to married life was quite an adventure.  Learning to live with another person is a challenge (we had not lived together prior to getting married), and definitely made me feel grown up at times.  Still....when it all came right down to it, I still felt like a kid, but in an adult body, with adult privileges and problems.

Fast forward several years to the present.  I am definitely having more and more experiences that I imagined adult life would be like.  I've got two little boys who are now both in elementary school.  Both are involved in several different activities, making my husband and I both chauffeurs of the finest degree.  I do homework with the kids every night after school, and I even signed up as a den leader for my youngest son's Tiger Cub den.  I work a mostly full time job, and sing in the church choir.  Some time between all of these activities, I find time for the endless piles of laundry, dishes, and all of the other tasks involved in operating a household (thankfully, I do not do all of this alone; my husband is every bit as involved in this as I am).

I still can't say that I feel like a "grown up," though.  Do I feel more experienced?  Of course.  Do I feel content?  Yes.  Do I feel fulfilled?  Absolutely.  Am I happy with my life in general?  Decisively yes.  But grown up?  No....not me!  I've come to the conclusion that I may never actually feel my age.  At least not in my mind.  Now my body....that's a different story!